I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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