Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
