I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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