This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
