First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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