Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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