Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
