my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
