The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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