You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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