her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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