No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
