Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
