life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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