Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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