When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
