It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
and you fell through a lawn chair
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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