I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
