I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
