Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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