Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
