The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
