I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
