I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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