Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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