you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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