i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
