just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
