Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
