God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
