I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
