I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
