dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
