Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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