Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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