Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
