I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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