Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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