Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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