you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
