So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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