Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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