STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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