Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
