Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
