I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
