I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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