I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
