i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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