I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
