I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I could fuck to npr.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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