remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
