My liver just broke up with me...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
