I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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