Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
