oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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