So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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