I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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