I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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