I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
